Don’t remember your childs birth? 

I had my second child, Abi, Sunday morning. And I don’t remember it at all. I didn’t get to hold my baby at all when she came out, hear her first cry or even get a peek at her face. 

While it’s rare nowdays for general anaesthetic to be used in delivery, sometimes it’s necessary, such as with emergency c-sections. Most c-sections use a spinal tap or epidural to numb the lower body and you can be awake to see your baby be born. In my case, and many others it’s not an option as the baby needs to be out asap and general is the fastest way to do that. 

If you’re wondering what happened I’ll tell (may be a bit of blood involved) or you can skip past this paragraph to how it felt, and how to prepare/cope if you need some advice!  I was in hospital 4 days before I gave birth, relatively short which is lucky, not so lucky when it’s because your baby makes an appearance at 33 weeks. I was on my way home from dinner with my partners parents and honestly thought I’d peed myself in my partners car. We got home and when I stood up I thought I’d peed again, though this time I did think “what if it’s my waters breaking?” Being me, I went and grabbed a pad and continued on for half and hour, where it became evident that something was wrong. I called the aus maternal help line and thanks to my stubbornness was told I should just go straight to emergency. (Putting the pad in saved them having me do it when I called) once I was there, they did their checks (which involve a very imposing dildo-esque device complete with lamp being inserted into.. well you know. Never have I wanted to hear that I peed myself more. Not the case, my waters had broken early, know as Premature Rupture of Membranes or PROM. It became clear I wasn’t going home. For the next few days they checked daily, had me on 24 hour obs and I got all of 4 hours sleep. They gave me two steroid shots to help bubs lungs if she came, and constant antibiotics, as the risk of infection once waters break is very high. I am stubborn. Bed rest is not my thing. I was walking around, bitching and moaning and the poor midwives took it in their stride. I was told i would be discharged Saturday (72 hours post water break) and the doctors changed their mind. I was pissed. But lucky they did change their mind. At 5.30 Sunday morning my midwife woke me up to give me antibiotics again. Thank God for that too. I decided to go to the toilet before I went back to bed and there was blood everywhere. I mean everywhere. Because my waters had been leaking I didn’t think anything of the wet feeling, but man this was bad. So I called the midwife back (thank you emergency button in the bathroom!) And was taken straight to Pregnancy Care Center (first stage labour room) where the basic drill is pants and undies off, lay on the bed. The obstetrician who was going to deliver came to do another check with the dildo-esque contraption and pretty much it was Go Go Go from there. The umbilical cord had prolapsed (started to come out before the baby) and if contractions started it was at risk of cutting off the supply to the baby. I was told to get on all fours (real nice in a room of strangers) and wheeled very quickly to an operation room with the obstetrician explaining I was about to have an emergency c-section. There was no time for my partner or anyone to be there and no time to prepare. The baby had to be out before I contracted, so an epidural was not an option. I would be under general anaesthetic with 5 minutes. In the operating room I was confronted with a good 20 people looking at me on my hands and knees in all my fabulous glory still. I stayed like that until anaesthetic was ready then was allowed to flip. It took about 20 seconds to be out like a light from there. I woke up at 6.45, and my partner had made it by then. I got told my baby had been born at 6.28am weighing 1.9kg and just shy of 40 cm long. I still had to recover from the anaesthetic and was there around half an hour. I did have at pretty rocking morphine drip button at my command so that’s something. 

The thing is, I didn’t feel like I’d given birth, I didn’t have my baby, my stomach was sore but still pregnant looking, and I hadn’t even seen her little face. It took the nurse a bit of convincing but she got the orderlies to wheel me bed and all up to the special care nursery so I could finally see her. This was about 8am. An hour and a half after her birth. I got about 10 mins before I was rolled on up to maternity to recover. I didn’t see my baby again until that night at about 7.30-8pm. I was groggy, nauseous and just not all there. It was still surreal. The pain for me wasn’t too bad. After about midday I had stopped using the morphine and just took panadol/ ibuprofen every 4 hours. I was expecting worse from a c-section. It was the next day at midday before I was unhooked from bed and allowed in a wheelchair (didn’t last, I’m stubborn, I walked). Having been a smoker pre pregnancy I wasn’t planning on starting again but my God I needed one after this. So after again visit to my baby, where I was finally lucid enough to remember holding her tiny little self, she was taken for some tests and I caved in. After that I had to start pumping milk immediately to get a supply up, which was surprising easy for after a premature birth. I hated being on the maternity ward after that. They gave me my own room to make it easier but all i heard was other babys crying and families laughing together. It hurt to no end. I overheard one mum saying she wished she could get a break from her bub crying overnight and that pissed me off. I know how hard newborns can be (I’ve had one before!) But within 2 days youre saying that and there are people who cant hold their baby whenever they want. Some won’t get to hold their babies ever. 

The biggest trial for me was being discharged. To have to leave my little girl behind and trust she would be ok was terrifying and depressing. I called immediately after getting home to check in and at least 4 more times that first night. It was bittersweet being in my own bed again. The c-section left me unable to do much (my partner wouldnt let me, I was meant to be resting) so I just had to sit and think. I cried for seemily no reason, i was angry and grumpy and a right mess. The best thing i did was wake up the next day and do my hair and makeup. I felt guilty (my baby isnt here and i can think of this?!) But it was good for me. I felt more human, more live than i would have. So theres ome advice. Do something you love. It doesnt have to take forever but you need to look after you! And don’t be ashamed. I was strong for my daughters and my partner but weak for me. I could see it did affect my partner but not to the same extent. Yes I wanted him to talk to me about how he felt, but I also needed him to listen. He didnt quite understand why I was so distraught. In the simplest terms possible I had carried this child for around 7 months, and now she was out and I didn’t have her. I couldn’t just look at her sleeping when I wanted, I couldn’t comfort her when she cried, or feed her when she was hungry. It is a hard feeling to grasp and don’t be hard on your partner if it takes a bit. They are also doing the best they can in a situation that is not ideal. 

Hopefully this helps at least one person who is going through the same, or is facing the prospect. C-sections are hard to wrap your head around in general, if you can’t remember it at all its that bit harder. But it will come to you, and you will heal.  And if, like me, your baby needs to stay behind for a while, ust remember it does get easier day by day, you wont feel “right” until you finally get your baby home, but you will make it, and it will be the best feeling you’ve ever known. 


Crush cosmetics mini haul & review! 

Yesterday I wrote up a review on a great eyeshadow palette by Crush Cosmetics, it was part of a “mini haul” of some affordable products I wanted to test out, but blew me away so much it got it’s own review. I’ll cover the rest here, as well as my experience with Crush Cosmetics! 

Ordering: The website is dead easy to use, I had no issues finding the products I was after, or sorting through the options I had for them. Checkout is simple and pretty much has any option avaliable to pay (they also have afterpay, which is a amaaazing, particularly because I have a little one, and budgeting is a must) I ordered on a Saturday, being my only down time and the order was confirmed before 11am Monday. I got everything on the Wednesday following. 

Packaging: These guys are serious about goods not getting damaged in transport! The box was pretty big, entirely due to the air cushions they packed in well. My shadow palette was individually bubble wrapped, as were a blusher and bronzer, and the pencil & lip products were packed into a little Crush Cosmetics bag. Compared to Sephora and Mecca where I got little parcels and had a couple of eye shadows come broken, this shows they care A LOT about their customers. 

The products:  

(Please excuse my cat, she hates not having 100% attention on her and made a few good attempts at eating my pencils before I could even get this shot 😂) 

Wet n Wild Coloricon Khol Eyeliner in Calling your Buff: I am seriously regretting not getting more colours of this one, as you can see it’s a good 4-5cm longer than the average pencil, but still very easy to use . The product is creamy, and goes on solidly. I use this one mainly to define my  brow (colour is perfect) and to line my waterline, as I prefer a nude, natural colour to stark white. It stayed on my brow for the full day, I did have to touch up my waterline after about 4 hours but I have very watery eyes so that happens with everything. It also does a great job of adding subtle highlights to my cupids bow. It may not show on fair skin but light-medium is prefect for it! 

MUA Intense Colour eyeliner in Rich Brown: I’m not a fan of black eyeliner day to day, it looks a bit harsh on me, but the only alternate I had before this was a grayish colour “made for” blue eyes. This eyeliner is standard size, and has an inbuilt sharpener in the lid (I love these, as I can never find my separate sharpener) The product itself is very creamy and goes on in a solid line. I was a bit too heavy handed the first time I used it, so make sure you use a light touch or it could get messy! I use this just to darken my upper lash line and if I feel adventurous my lower as well (I stick to a very natural look so when I bust that out its a special moment) I didn’t find the staying power that great, after about 2-3 hours it was only on the line of my actual lashes, but setting with a brown eyeshadow I got 7 hours from it. For a dew dollars I didn’t expect much more, it won’t blow your mind but it won’t disappoint either. 

Milani stay put brow colour in 02-Natural Taupe:  I very recently switched back to my natural blonde after a stint with light brown hair, and needed a cheaper option for my brows as the brown I had was workable, but a bit dark. I had seen a few reviews comparing this to ABH dipbrow and figured it was worth a go. Just personally, I rate this above ABH and would be more likely to reach for it. It comes in a smaller pot than ABH, still big enough for any eyebrow brush and I will likely get through this one before it starts drying!  The product is quite soft, not too creamy and not gel-like, and goes on quite naturally. I love this as my brows are pretty sparse, and it let’s me mimic natural hairs very well. Staying power is incredible, 8+ hours in Aus Summer, and it doesn’t budge (I do also use a powder which helps to set it in place) If you like a really defined, sharp brow it’s harder to achieve that, but for a natural, soft look I probably won’t look anywhere else! 

MUA Intense Colour lip liner in softly lined: I messed up a little here, in the pictures displaying colour this was a gorgeous soft pink which seemed similar to my natural lips. It’s actually quite sparkly which doesn’t mesh with my usual  natural look! The product itself is great, soft and sharp, and does a great job at lining the lips. It stayed in place until I had lunch (oils are the enemy) but went back on very smoothly and stayed again until the end of my day. Since that test I’ve found this is actually a nice colour to add to the center of my lips for a more 3D, full look. Just be wary when colour picking and search your butt off for reviews! 

Wet n Wild lipstick in Don’t blink pink: This product was my only deliberately unnatural pick of the bunch! It’s a very vibrant pink (almost neon) and looks divine. It comes In your standard lipstick tube with a clear lid (yay for easily being able to pick products). A little bit of a tacky feel when it’s being applied but the finish is still quite nice. I strongly recommend a balm before applying. My biggest issue with this was the shap of the product, it’s on a flat angle (no points) which might work for more natural colours but it’s too messy for a bright colour. I use a brush to apply it so I can remain In control. It didn’t hold up as well as some, I had to retouch every 2ish hours, which is ok on apply night out (I would be in the bathroom that often anyway) but for a full day at work etc it wouldn’t be my first choice. 

LA Colours pout lipgloss (matte) in let’s kiss: I love matte lips when they’re done well. The cute little bottle here sucked me in a bit, but the product is pretty darn good as well. It does take a bit of effort to make work so be prepared for that. Firstly USE A BALM. This is not negotiable. It can get flaky without one. Secondly the doe foot applicator here is a bit on the larger side so you may be better off using a brush particularly on smaller lips. That aside, the colour is absolutely gorgeous, a nice nude that’s subtley pink, and once it’s on it stays on, freakishly well. Maybe too well. It was not easy to get off at the end of the day. If you’re looking to add some price friendly options to your collection and don’t mind the prep these are awesome. I prefer this to my L.A Girl equivalent, definitely not address good as kylie or the Balm, but good for everyday when using a $50 lipgloss per week is not an option (so for most of us!)

NYC Smooth skin bronzing powder in 720 Sunny: This works for me, but if you want a very defined bronze look it won’t work for you, no real way around  that bluntness ! I use bronzer very lightly, just to add ultra subtle definition to the outside of my face, cheeks and nose. It might be hard to see in the swatch below but the left is how I use it , and the right is how it looks built up. It goes orange. It’s very smooth and matte, but seriously unless you use as little as me it doesn’t look great. There’s better out there for the same price. 

MUA Blusher In Candy Floss: This one was a bit smaller than I expected (actual size wise) but it’s all product which is great. I won’t lie it scared me a lot when I first saw it. It’s very pink. Even picking it up on my finger it was bright! But when it’s blended down it becomes the most gorgeous, luminous little glow of colour and I adore it! It’s not chalky at all, very smooth to apply all day blends like a dream. It’s lasting power is around 6-7 hours, but it doesn’t go patchy all-around it fades. It’s my new go to blush for every day! 

Overall: This has been a  it of a long post I know, so I’ll say goodbye quickly ! Crush is definitely a company I’ll order from again, and I was pretty happy overall with each product! And all up for these and the shadow palette it was about the $90 mark which I won’t complain about! 

Crush cosmetics 35B eyeshadow palette review & swatches!

Some things just need to be shared with the world, and this palette is one of them! I haven’t seen a single review for it anywhere, not surprising as Crush Cosmetics is a name I’ve only come across recently. They’re a great Aus store for brands that I don’t come across often here (MUA, NYC, Sleek etc) along with some higher end brands as well. 

I’ve been eying off a few of their palettes for a while, at AUD $30 they seemed like great value, but I had nothing to reference so eventually took the plunge! 

First impression was good, it came to me  in a black box which I threw away before I though of photographing (eager beaver to get to the palette itself). The case itself is nothing overly special, it’s plastic so be careful not to drop it, I don’t know how it would hold up. It’s pictured on an A4 sheet for size reference. 

Good sized palette, it does get dirty very quickly but a quick wipe down and it’s fine! 

I was absolutely blown away by the colours when I opened it ! They look stunning, and very true to the website photos. I don’t own any morphe palettes but it does look very similar to what I’ve seen, and I’m sure it’s a dupe of one somewhere. 

There’s 35 shades all up, 20 mattes (YAAAY! I love matte eyeshadow and it’s hard to find a palette with a lot of them) and 15 shimmer/glitter shades. I don’t usually like shimmer as I feel a lot of them look quite cheap but these look gorgeous. 

The shades have no names, so I am switching left to right, top row to bottom. I’m using a finger to swatch, and no primer. All the colours are a single swipe of product, I haven’t built any up so you get the most accurate idea  

Row one: 

These were all super creamy to the touch, and slid on like a dream. The second colour doesn’t have a lot of pigment, and seems to be more of an “enhancing colour” to give mattes some shimmer. I popped it over the top of number one later (no photo sorry) and it gave it a lovely little shine! Shade 4 is my favourite, a gorgeous metallic bronze. Shades 5&6 don’t show as vibrantly on my skin, and would be perfect transition shades, but trust me the pigment is there ! 

Row 2: 

Again, all very creamy to the touch, no fallout and hellloo pigment. For someone who doesn’t dig shimmer or glitter I am really loving the metallic shades this palette is giving me! I can’t pick a favourite from these, but No. 2,3 & 5 will probably be used a whole lot ! They all look like they’re going to play mix n match well with each other so far which is a big plus! 

Row 3: 

I had my first hiccup on this row. While they all still feel super creamy, shade 2 here was perhaps a bit too soft! One swipe with my finger picked up a whole lot of product (you can see a couple of little clumps in there) I gave it a quick brush down after and they were gone, which didn’t affect the shadow at all. Just be cautious with that one, a little goes a long way! The only colour here I’m not digging is the bright red, but if you’re into vibrant colours it’s still just as quality as the rest. I personally will probably never use it though 🙂 

Row 4: 

You’re going to get sick of the word creamy soon, aren’t you? The consistency in quality of these shadows is blowing my mind. Colour 1&2 here are quite similar, 1 has a deeper undertone and leans a bit more toward ashy, where 2 has a slight redness to it. Same with 3 & 4,  3 is the ashy, more neutral version  and 4 is the redder. This picture doesn’t do 5 justice. I tried to get a good one but natural light today isn’t great 😦 it is super pigmented, and the most gorgeous metallic finish I have seen so far! Shade 7 is the wearable red colour for the palette in my opinion, it reminds me of red clay, not overwhelming but the colour is definitely there. 

Row 5: 

You’re sick of it now aren’t you ? I’ll switch things up. These have a consistency which can be likened to a dairy product 😁 This row is more colours I’d use on my crease, or after dark (I am an adventurous little thing with eyeshadow, am I not? ) Shade 1 is actually quite a muted shimmer in person, the camera picked up more than bare eye could see but the colour was the same either way. Shades 6&7 were quite similar, but 7 has a more metallic look to it than 6, which makes it appear a bit lighter. 

Wear: I photograph somewhere between elephant and seal without the cute factor so sorry there is no shots of the product on me! I trialed a few shades individually and as a complete look and they go the distance! Without primer, they lasted my average day from 7-6 with slight creasing, but No noticable fade or rubbing. With a primer i didn’t notice any crease at all when they came off, and probably could have left it on for another 2-3 hours without issues.


Whether you’re an eyeshadow newbie or you’re a seasoned pro, I would 10000% recommend getting your hands on this! The shadows are consistently great quality and highly pigmented, no fallout, they blend like an absolute dream and stay put. I didn’t think that a AUD$30 palette was capable of this kind of quality. I own $90 palettes that don’t perform like this. It works out less than $1 per shadow, even with that bright red I will probably not touch, and I will most definitely be going back to purchase more colours.  If you’re interested, check out the palette here